(Originally posted at: http://calum.dreamwidth.org/257523.html )
Oh now feel it, coming back again
Like a rolling thunder chasing the wind¹
11 years ago, tonight, my beloved friend Sarah died, in the Marie Curie hospice up beyond the Braid Hills.
She was taken into hospital in early December, and spent Christmas, New Year and her birthday in there. I was lucky enough that she let me spend time with her nearly every day she was there – sometimes just sitting with her as she slept and writing her a note for her to read when she woke. Even now I can remember all of that – I haven’t words for what it was like – both the terribleness of the whole situation, and the magic of her being able to laugh and share stories though all of it.
Memories of Sarah have haunted me constantly since – but I treasure every one. Because the one thing that Sarah was scared of, was that people would forget her when she was gone. Anyone who knew her would know how impossible that would be – but I made her a promise to keep doing things to keep her in my thoughts.
On this night in 2006, as she was close to death, I got on my motorbike and went to collect someone else who wanted to be with her. Every year, on 9th January, I get on my motorbike and repeat that ride.
I do it to remember her. But also because motorbikes were one of the connections we shared. We first really go to know each other, playing games in her sister Karen’s flat, when I offered her a lift home on the back of my motorbike.
She’s the only person to ride with me on every one of my motorbikes since I passed my test – my little red GPz305, the XJ600 – and then Bluhofi in both incarnations.
Forces pullin’ from the center of the earth again
I can feel it.¹
Sarah understood my spirituality too – she shared my animistic worldview, seeing life and spirit in things around us. She knew it was important for cars, and motorbikes, to have names – and for you to get to know their personalities.
My first two bikes were always intended to be temporary – while I found the money to buy the right bike for me. And when I found it, a blue TDM850 – Sarah was involved in helping me find his name, in checking that the name fitted. So she was there, from when Blufhofi – the spirit of my motorcycle, was first awakened.
And she was around when I upgraded to a new TDM900, also blue of course, and totally understood that the name, and spirit, would move from one bike to another.
She was the only person (motorcycle mechanics aside), who I ever let ride Blufhofi. After she passed her bike test, I let her try him in a car park. Definitely not the right bike, or spirit, for her.
I was so lucky to have Sarah in my life. She would listen to anything I wanted to talk to her about. We used to ride to the cinema in Fountain Park, and sit in the cafe upstairs for hours, talking. Once we even missed the film. She was that rare person who made you feel like the centre of the world when you talked, who accepted you all, and shared as much as she could
That night, in 2006, I didn’t know as I rode down the road that Sarah had already died. So when I felt the wind swirling around me, felt or imagined her riding pillion behind me, encouraging me to go fast – I was imagining that she was dreaming, and sharing the ride with me. She stayed with me until I passed the end of the road she lived on, then was gone. I didn’t find out till I arrived at the other end that she was already dead.
So, since 2007, ever year, I’ve ridden Bluhofi from the hospice, to the end of the road on which Sarah lived at the time. It feels like something the three of us do together.. Me, Sarah, and Bluhofi.
A few times, I haven’t been able to take the motorbike. Once, he wouldn’t start, another time the weather was treacherous. And this year, he’s not roadworthy. Bluhofi, in this form, probably won’t see another January.
Sarah would just tell me that its time for his spirit to find another home. And it will. Because we’ll be doing that ride again. I’ll never forget her. I don’t beleive anyone who knew her ever will.
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- Lyrics in italics from “Lightning Crashes” by Live, a song I was singing to myself that night
For those that didn’t know her, this is what I wrote after she died: https://www.skirnir.com/seolta/sarah/
All my posts about Sarah are saved here now: https://www.skirnir.com/seolta/